TRANSCRIPT (host-Christopher Walken) May 19 2001





Jimmy Fallon- JF
Tina Fey- TF
Winona Ryder- WR

Announcer: "From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey."

JF: I'm Jimmy Fallon.

TF: And I'm Tina Fey, here are tonight's top stories.This week, first daughter, Jenna Bush was pleading no contest to underage drinking charges. Her father insists Jenna is just going through a rebellious phase, and just like him, she'll grow out of it in twenty seven years.

JF: "A group of New York lawmakers is demanding that Madame Tssaud's Wax Museum remove a statue of Yassar Arafat from the exhibit. Museum officials however, insist that the statue is actually just Beatle drummer, Ringo Starr."

TF: "Massachusetts governor, Jane Swift gave birth Tuesday to twin girls making her the second governor to have twin girls since Bill Clinton was running Arkansas."

JF: "Researchers are testing a new kind of medical marijuana that threats pain but doesn't get the user high. Prompting patients in need of marijuana to declare "thank you?"

TF: "In a high school in South Dakota this week, an undercover police officer roamed the halls with an unloaded gun to test the response. The school passed with flying colors, when concerned students spotted the officer and shot him."

JF: "Researchers at Yale have found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The number one job for developing brain cancer, plutonium hat model."

TF: "The editor of Out! magazine revealed that his boyfriend is a major league baseball player, but will not reveal the player's identity. Baseball insiders however, point to the gayest guy in the league, John Rocker ."

JF: "And now here is "Weekend Update's Old-Time Joke Corner". Thomas Green who lives in Utah with his five wives, went on trial for Polygamy this week. Green claims he took another wife to break up the monogamy. Take my wives please. This has been "Weekend Update's Old-Time Joke Corner" brought to you by Dr. Theodore J. Fugelheimerson's Tooth Powder. Back to you Tina.

TF: "Former president Bill Clinton, has reportedly lost 20 pounds, since leaving the white house. The pounds were taken from him by British whores." "The L.A district attorney's office said Monday, that Robert Downey Jr. will not go to jail for his drug arrests last month. To save the time they went ahead and sentenced him for his drug arrests next month."

JF: "Christian Browning the son of Daphne du Maurier , who wrote the horror story, The Birds , was attacked by birds outside his home in England. Very worried right now, the son of whoever wrote The Blob."

TF: "Saudi Arabia police have arrested seven teenage boys for leering at local women. According to Saudi law the boys will be whipped, and the women will be stoned to death."

JF: "Director Todd Solems is complaining about the producers of his new movie that made him edit out a scene in which James Van Der Beek is on the rear-end side of anal sex. When asked for a comment Van Der Beek said "They were filming that!"

TF: "Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy is denying reports that his marriage is on the rocks. Although, he admits that does sound delicious."

JF: "And now for Weekend Update's thrilling season-ending cliffhanger with very special guest Winona Ryder." (Jimmy puts on glasses)

TF: "Jimmy, when did you start to where glasses?"

JF: "I got my eyes checked last week. I found out I need glasses."

TF: "Are you going to wear them next season?"

JF " Well, I mean, I don't know I am going to try."

WR: "Jimmy! Tina!"

Both: "What is it?"

TF: "What's wrong?"

WR: "One of you is the father of my baby."

Both: "Oh my god! I am going to be a fa..." (To Be Continued)

TF: "For Weekend Update I'm Tina Fey."

JF: "I'm Jimmy Fallon."

WR: "And I'm Winona Ryder."

All: "Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow!"