TRANSCRIPT (host-Reese Witherspoon) September 29 2001

Jimmy Fallon- JF
Tina Fey- TF

Announcer: "From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey."

JF: I'm Jimmy Fallon.

TF: And I'm Tina Fey

JF: "Were glad to be back and here are tonights top stories, US officials continue the search for Osama Bin Ladin, reports suggest that Bin Laden is probably hiding somewhere remote and barron where he will not encounter others, the FBI began searching theatres showing the movie Glitter" (the movie starring Mariah Carey)

TF: "According to the New York Post, the Mafia have stolen 250 tons of scrap metal from lower Manhattan. A spokesman for the Gambino family said [New York accent] Hey the Mayor told us to go back to work!

JF: "Basketball superstar Michael Jordan Announced that he will be making his return to the NBA this season, as a player with the Washington Wizards. Because of Jordans lingering concerns of stamina and fitness Nike has changed its famous [Jordan] logo from this [showing the original Jordan symbol] to this [showing a picture of Jordan couching down as if gasping for air]

JF: "Upon hearing the news of Jordans return, Gatorade honored the 38 year old veteran with his own signature flavor...Prune, Prune Gatorade! Is it in you? are you having trouble getting it out? Prune Gatorade

TF: "This week Elizabeth Dole announced that shes entering the Senate race in North Carolina. Mrs. Dole said it was imperative at this moment that she do something to get away from Crazy Viagra Mc Gee! [shows cheerful picture of Bob Dole]

TF: "Dole will be running for senate Vacated by Jesse Helms, Mrs. Dole says if she wins helms' seat, she promises to get it steam cleaned to get rid of that old people smell."

JF: "Last week Keanu Reeves' movie Hardball was number one at the box office, just like Nostradamus predicted [lights Dim, there is an uproar of thunder, and lightning flashes appear]"

TF: "Last week Don King pledged $500,000 to releive charaties, but somehow the charities owe him $600,000."

JF: "A man who owns a middle eastern restaurant named Osama's Place, says he wont change the restaurants name because its the name for the original owner, not Osama Bin Laden. Though we had a harder time explaining why this other restaurant is named Hittlers Chicken."

TF: "MSNBC reporter, Ashley Banfield, now in Pakistan covering events there, had cut her hair short and dyed it brown in order to go unnoticed in the male dominant country. [Tina] Take it from me Ashley if you think brown hair and glasses will keep men from noticing are right." [keep in mind that tina fey has short brown hair and glasses]

JF: "Earlier this week, Jesse Jackson annouced he had been invited to meet with afgan taliban rulers as a possible medeator in a tense stand-off over Osama Bin Ladin. One of the more bizzar elements of this news is that, there is some confusion of who initiated the invite. Here to explain it is Jesse Jackson"

Darrell Hammond does an impression of Jesse Jackson explaining about his invitation to meet with the Afgan Taliban rulers

TF: "According to a new study on laughter, Females are more likley to giggle while males are more likely to grunt, which means Janet Reno would Gruggle."

JF: [Jimmy is unhappy with his hair, trying to fix it until he finnaly gets to the story]"According to his daugheter, the Comic actor Jerry Vandike (dont know who this is so couldnt make out last name) trying to retire from show business, which brings up an interesting question. Who's stopping Jerry from retiring from show business?!"

TF: "Gay singer Elton John told the English Sun Newspapaer that he is still attracted to women even though he has'nt slept with one in over 9 years. John says the woman he is most attracted to is George Clooney."

JF: "The first week of Mains annual moose hunt, began on Monday and ends tommorow.[then inturrupted by Tina Fey]

"Wait, wait, are you serious?!"
"Yeah, why?"
"Well i promised myself id kill a mouse this year, and now its too late, I never finish anything!!"[dissapointed in herself]
"Thats not true Tina, your one of the most disciplined person i know."
"If that were true i would be eating moose jerky right now!"
"Well, Mains having an extra week of Moose hunting this season, so you can soot a moose then! just dont put it off till the last minute!"
[releived and happy] "I won't Jimmy, I wont sqander the second chance Main has given us to shoot a moose!"
both: "And Scene!"

TF: "At the request of a catholic church, a three day sex orgy was canceled last Friday, so instead i spent the weekend cleaning my apartment. Organizers of the Orgy where expecting 1,500 men and 8 women."

JF: "Health officials are investigating a link between E.Colli cases and a County Fair. 20 percent of the people reporting symtoms not only attended the fair but participated in the horse manure eating contest."

TF: "Following last Novembers election problems, Palm Beach country, Florida will switch to computer touch screen voting machines. In early tests, the elderly voted favorably to the new touch screens then spent 20 minutes waiting for money to come out

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